High Risk Pregnancy

I'm pregnant. Again. For the fourth time. And I'm 37 years old. 

And it's a gift, because I never thought it would happen. 

Pregnancy amazes me. The concept of creating life, growing a human, seeing your newborn the second he enters the world takes my breath away. I love choosing a name, jumping every time a swift kick takes me by surprise. But having a high risk pregnancy threatens to steal my joy.

Every twinge leaves me frantic, questioning if it was normal ligament pain, or a reason to rush to the ER. Was that just discharge, or am I leaking amniotic fluid? What if I'm dilating? Because for me, there's no going back. Once labor hits, it's unstoppable. For the first 12 weeks, I held my breath in fear, dreading finding blood every time I sat down to pee. Now, it's week 21, which means if I start having contractions, he's too little to survive. 

And that thought is too painful to bear. He's already part of the family. We already love and pray for him. He has a closet full of clothes, and my schedule has been put on hold to nurse him every time he wants to nurse. He's real, and I want to be far enough along that he'll make it. 

September 10 is the goal. Steve will be in the country, all the kids will be home, and week 38 is safe. But 17 weeks feels impossibly far away. I don't want to wish the time away. This is my last time being pregnant. I love hearing the heart beat on the monitor, and watching him turn and squirm during ultrasounds. I love the anticipation of hearing his first cry, and treasuring that moment when time stops and he's placed in my arms, snuggled against my chest, and the nothing else exists except gazing into his new little face. I get to have that moment one more time, and I want that more than anything. 

But how can I make that happen? How can I keep him in 17 more weeks, 116 more days, so that he is safe when he arrives? The thought of enduring the NICU again makes me weep. This last birth, I really want to bring him home with me. 

Placenta Previa

This is long ... but many wonderful friends have asked about my appt. today, so here's an overview for those interested. :)

Today was my 30 week appointment with the fetal maternal specialist. I'm already high risk due to my previous preterm deliveries, but this time, my placenta is also low. We have been hoping and praying that it would have moved on its own by this appointment. This problem usually fixes itself as the uterus stretches. But the good news I was longing to hear did not come today. There's been no change.

What does that mean? It could mean I have to have a C-section. To some, that may seem like no big deal, but it's the opposite of what I desire. I see wonderful midwives because I hate needles, surgery and invasive procedures. I want a natural water birth. Scheduling a C-section for me would be challenging because there's no warning as to when I'll go into labor. Steve would be in Saudi, so I would have to go through it alone ... and I'm already an emotional mess all of the time ... sigh!

My dream is to carry this little boy to full term, so we can come home from the hospital together. No NICU, no leaving without my son, no terrifying procedures for my baby ... no separation.

No decisions have been made yet. We're taking it a day at a time, praying that he stays put and that the placenta moves. There's nothing I can do on my own. No magic pills I can take, or routines I can follow, or exercise I can do to move the placenta. This is completely out of my hands - and that feels frustrating and overwhelming at times.

But I came across these words today, and I'm holding tight to these promises:

You are never left to fight a battle on your own. We can all trust God when we have some control in the situation. But when the problem is impossible for us or anyone else to help, that is when our faith is put to the test.

It is his will that prevails in the outcome of every problem we face. If you will try to understand that truth, it will bring you peace when all hope seems gone. Your struggle is actually the transforming power that reveals God’s strength. It is always his purpose to bring you through your heartache and reveal more of himself to you. Your battles are won long before they start because Christ paid the price for your victory.

Although you may not feel it now, your life is filled to overflow with God’s unending power and purpose. His angels are surrounding those who belong to him. There is nothing that has been left to chance.

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.” That is a promise from God.

https://mvbernard.com/tag/feeling-helpless-and-hopeless